Monday, June 21, 2010

I quit!(?)

I sit huddled up on the love seat, tears flowing. Staring at the bare wall on the far end of the room, I ignored the shadows cast on the wall by movements out side my window. My mind was in turmoil. I looked around the house, five years and I hoped I’d still be counting but I’m not sure now.

I caress my wedding band, turning it round and round on my finger. I remove it and hook it to my necklace, like a pendant, close to my heart.

What will it take to make it work?

I remember when it all started; I just knew this was what I wanted. Barely out of the university, was I so eager to marry Steve. I believed he was every thing I wanted. Mum thought it was too soon. We had only been dating for 6 months.

“Hold on for one year and you’ll be blessed many times over” she said.

Should I have waited? Will it have helped? Will things be different now if we had wedded after Christmas like we originally planned?

The questions swim in my head.

I switch on the television. Too much thinking is making me sick. I flip through the channels, nothing good on a Wednesday evening.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a child. Steve loves children; I see it when we have Derin’s kids over. But that’s not my fault. The doctors say we’re both okay.

The tears keep flowing fast; I blow my nose hard, feeling a slight headache in my temples. I rise from the seat to turn off the lights in the room. My eyes catch something as I sit back down. I see a flicker of light from the table where I have my keepsakes. I move towards the object bending down to pick it up.

Its a little velvet bag with a shiny logo. I open the bag and let out a soft sigh. Relief washing over me, no longer able to stand, I dropped on the floor, crossing my legs.
Inside the bag are little red beads, hundreds of them.
My mother gave it to Steve and me on our wedding day, with a little illustration. She had us remove a bead and return it.

“Shake it together and remove the same bead from the lot” she said.

We looked at each other and burst into laughter.

“That’s impossible, Mum” I said, laughing.

“Good. Now that you know, when you feel like giving this all up remember It can only be over when that lone bead turns up” and she shuffled away.

I remember it like it was yesterday. My sweet wise Mum. I close my eyes and lean on the bed thinking how impossible it is for me to give up now.

Steve should still be at work.
I shuffle over to the computer and begin typing an email. I pour my heart out in a few words.

Dear Steve,

I’ll be waiting today so we can have a heart to heart. This is really hard but I’m willing to make it work. I’ve decided giving up on us is not an option, at least not for me.

I love you,


I sigh, hoping he at least catches it on his blackberry

Back on the bed, I fall asleep almost immediately.

A few hours later, I wake to see him at the foot of the bed, head in hands weeping. I move to his side, rubbing his back slowly. I know he likes that. He looks at me tears in his eyes, his nose running. We stare at each other and I see in his eyes what I’ve always known. Love lives here.

We sit in the dark for hours, in each others arms, grateful. Today could have been the end but we’ll start over.

I fall asleep again, right where I should be unaware of the ten paged document from the divorce courts, completely filled, lying on the bedroom floor………in shreds.


Ok, that wasn’t me o(obviously), Just a snippet of a young woman’s struggle.

But really, have you ever given up on something that made sense to you? Something you would have loved to hold onto, just because you lacked the inner strength to persevere and keep trying?

Quitting is easy, the consequences may be dire but you don’t know that at the time. Or maybe you do but you rationalize that it’ll take too much from you to keep trying. So you take the easy route.

It’s not just in relationships that we make such blunders. We give up on school because we fail at it sometimes. We stop trying for that job because we keep getting rejected.

The journey ahead is long and arduous, so we decide to sit and lick our wounds.
But there was never a victory without a battle and the cross always comes before the crown.

Heard all these before? I’m sure. But think deeply about it the next time you find yourself at the threshold of a destiny decision.

The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart, how much more the reward?


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